Friday afternoon we decided to take a trip to the local park for a little. Our visits to the parks are rare... and Brianna just loved it! Tomorrow is my companies picnic, I believe only Hailey and I will attend since Hailey has had such a blast the last 3 years I think I should take her along again. I have been debating weather or not to take Brie with me... I keep fighting between yes and no.... and most of the time no wins. The reasons are so hard to put into words I am in a bitter stage of this whole "special needs" thing and lately I cannot control how much I compare Brianna to every child I see or hear about. The first company picnic I attended 4 years ago Brie wasnt born the second I was pregnant with her and the third one (last Aug2009) I did take her. It seemed like there was constantly too many eyes on her. Not the typical "awww that baby is so cute I wanna pinch her cheeks way" that people would look at your typical 1 year old (almost 2 year old) but in a "poor thing" type of way... I know it because I heard it and I can read peoples stupid puppy looks. She wasnt walking last year so she was in her stroller while she was gtube fed or carried by us while not eating. I was asked several times by coworkers if they could feed her and I had to explain to each one why not (gtube) and they all told me how sorry they were asked if she would ever be able to eat "normal"... well I felt like telling them my daughter is nothing to be sorry over that she is an inspiration and I felt like telling them only God knows what her futuer holds for her but of course I wasnt going to explain it to each single person. Recently being at a family baby shower I learned that I am in a very fragile state/stage of processing it all. I am at the stage where I cannot and do not want to look at other children because I cannot help but compare. I see children around 1 year old talking away and almost double Briannas height and I get a few stabbs to the chest... I feel envious jelous mad sad and all of the above... I know I should never compare my child to anyone not even other children with ACC but at this stage I simply cannot help it. It hurts to see a child screaming at the top of their lungs with their healthy normal lungs... and then watch my daughter cry and turn purple because of her chronic lung issues. It hurts... it always has but sometimes it crawls up underneath my skin and eats me up and I cannot help it. Tomorrow, I know there will be plenty of little ones (which I must add I adore and adore most of the moms) BUT I will not and do not want to see them next to Brianna I do not want to hurt myself when I can avoid it. I do not want to see a 1 1/2 year old who is a foot taller than Brianna and about double the weight as Brianna when Brianna is going to be 3 next year, I just dont want to do it tomorrow I cant I dont want to. I do not want to be asked time after time how old she is and get the stupid blank stare like "what the heck" when I say shes almost three when shes half the size of their 12 month olds. I just dont want to see all the kids engage in the games eat the goodies while my daughter reaches and screams for a taste I just cant do it. call me selfish get mad at me... but I am in an extreamly sensitive and fragile stage. No one there (other than my sisters *my oldest sis Mayra works there also so she will be there and is taking our two youngest sisters* and a very few selected individuals) will appreciate and see my daughter for who she is... and actually look at her like an inspiration as a human being... I know they will stare at her with pitty like aww poor thing and then indulge in eachothers beautiful perfect healthy infants. So I say no thanks I pass. Brie and daddy will chill at home and be lazy while Hailey and I attend. So okay I admit that is why I took Brianna to the park today too, becaue I feel guilty and stupid for not taking her tomorrow but I know it will save me from pain and saddness and tears. So here are some pics of our Friday evening, enjoy! Thanks for following (gee did that make any sense?)
Brie loved the swing!
Hailey had a blast too!
They are some active little Princesses :)
I caught some perfect "SISTERLY LOVE* pictures
GOD I LOVE THESE GIRLS
Check out the static on Briannas hair when she is slidding of the slide LOL
OH I love these girls...
OH WHAT FUN WE HAD
Angelic little girl
Monkey Girl
I know you know this, but what you are feeling and going through is totally normal. My daughter is almost 7, and looks like maybe a 3 year old. When we go shopping, she sits in the shopping cart seat with a cloth cover still. And she fits just fine, it's not like she's huge in there or anything! So she is teeny. I am in a much better place emotionally than I was when she was younger. I guess after YEARS, it gets a little easier. But truthfully? I still get those pangs when I see typical kids. The biggest one is when someone in a restaurant gives their baby little bites off a spoon. The babies just open their mouths, accept the spoon, and eat the food. Just like that! LOL Or when I see tiny babes, a year old, walking around. My daughter still doesn't walk without a LOT of assistance. She doesn't talk, hearing tiny babes talking gets me. So ... it gets easier, but still stings. I think you are making a great decision to leave Bri home with Dad for this picnic. That way you will be able to enjoy yourself. :)
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